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But at what cost?

I’ve been so swamped with work the past two – three months that I find it real hard to pen done a few lines of non-scientific pros. Actually, I think the last two – two-half years is a more truthful estimate of when my life first started getting busy and busy and more busy! Is this what my life has become? Does my disappointment with this development stem from the fact that I hate to change or that I just hate change?

When I see pictures of friends meeting up (courtesy Facebook), I tend to question myself and my choices made thus far. Are the sacrifices made worth the reward? Living away from family and friends, walking (far too often) the path less trod on, sacrificing relationships (to be the good guy and/or to pursue my goals and ambitions) are a short list in what is a long line of decisions made for better or worse. They have often led to many missed opportunities and an equal number of achievements. The point is when you weigh them all balancing the pros and the cons, the rights and wrongs, the good times, the not so good and the bad, how do you make those distinctions? I can’t, so will Lady Justice lend me her scales?

Life for me is like a problem with multiple solutions, each dictated by the path you choose. My point in all of this is that once we immerse ourselves in work and/or some activity, do we give it our all or do we just skim the surface? As I said before, each choice leads to a different outcome. Take the former; giving it my all, means I do just that and that only. It means I’m like a horse with blinders sprinting to the Belmont Stakes. The result, well I’ve just won the Belmont Stakes (and the Triple Crown if you may)- in lay mans terms, I’ve just accomplished what I set out to do, the best I could ever do; done in such a manner so as to assure its place in history. I can take comfort from the fact that I’ve accomplished something (a happiness on sorts). But at what cost? Take the latter option, now I’ve got my fingers, hands and feet (and toes too- lets just throw it all in) in all the different pies possible. The result, I’m happy on both a professional and personal front now (barring the fact that I’ve stretched myself too thin). The overall picture, I’ve now done a shoddy job of things in both aspects of my life. Is this divided happiness (a little for the personal and professional parts of me each) warranted? Once again I ask myself, ‘but at what cost?’

How do I make the choice, do and I am dammed and don’t and I’m most surely dammed! Is there anyone out there who will absorb this burden off me? Probably not.
When I was bouncing these thoughts off a wise woman (my mom), she told me that all these feelings are coming out from a part of me that’s still a child.

Is that true?
And if so,
will I ever grow up?

To paraphrase Kipling,
Will I ever inherit the earth and all in it, And what’s more, will I ever be a man or just the son!


Sakshi said…
I dunno dion, what you have questioned is damn legitimate. And, I wish I could say something motivating... but the only thing that comes to my mind is 'that I am going through the similar set of feelings' and there is nothing right now that seems to make sense.

You are right when you talk about choices. We often talk about future, destiny & fate. But, I also know that we live in a world of free will. And, every day our future changes, because of the decisions that we make. It maybe simple decisions like which T-shirt to wear to choosing the right person to get married.

What really is irksome is the fact that we do not know, the cost at which our decisions are made, and what we would have to pay later. I wish at times, that I could peek in the future and see what would my world be if I chose from an array of options, and then choose the best one.. but then again, how would I know if it actually is the best... for a future further than the one I visualised.

Two lines that I finally want to share-
"There are always consequences of both good & bad"
" It takes loads of guts to make a decision, to stick to it & above all be happy and satisfied by the decision that you have taken."

Like Shayon says, there should never be a room for 'what if'.

May God Almighty help us!!!! And bless us.

PS: Thanks for this post Di.
Shayon said…
Humm... decisions in life, eh? Yes, they are tough. But then, we can not really take credits for being able to take them, or bang our heads to the walls because we are 'forced' to take them, because every single fucking man out there has been taking decisions all his life. We aren't really special, or extra-doomed!

I do not subscribe to the thought process that if you have once taken a decision in your life, you should always stick by it. Everybody makes mistakes. So do we. It's great not to make mistakes. But it's really good if you realize you had taken a wrong decision, and then take steps to correct it, asap.

Now, let us take a scenario where you were given to choose between path A and path B. According to your judgment at that juncture of your life, you chose A. Moving ahead in time, you felt that choosing A wasn't really a good decision and that you should have gone with B. NOW, is when the game play gets interesting. Even at this juncture of your life, if you can take up the path B, by all means, please go ahead. Maybe you couldn't be happy for half of your life, but at least you took care of the rest half, rather than trying to justify your decision. BUT, if at that juncture you feel that taking the path B is no longer possible, then it's best you stop pondering over the fact that A was a bad decision, and try to find as much happiness as possible, out of the path A that you had originally chosen.

Am I getting a little too confusing, here?

Something I'd like to write for Sakshi here. I do not really mean that there can not be any room for 'what if'. But, once you have taken a decision, AND you know that there's no going back, AND you have realized, you can not keep going 'what if' on the same point, every moment of your life. It is also important to enjoy the moment you are currently in.

Dino, I can perfectly understand when you wonder about scratching too many surfaces but not manage to be completely happy with any of them.

Now, there are a lot of people who simply love being adored and cared by loads of people. Take pride in the fact that he has a lot of 'connections'. People who have hundreds and thousands of 'friends' on FB (nah, I ain't really speaking of myself). And then there are people who is content with just 3 buddies, but wants a very close knit group. A group that knows about each other's every single day, events, and decisions.

You got to choose which one would you wanna be? Now, there have been a lot of times when I used to say that I never had the 'chuddi buddies' that my father does, owing to my parents' transferable job. But then, I also know that it's never really possible to go back to those times, so no point crying over it.

More than making decisions, you need to figure out what makes you happy. And when you manage to do that, you need to start prioritizing. Yes, you need to prioritize your source of happiness too. It is only then you shall figure that you do not have to take decisions any more. The decisions are getting made automatically, in your head. Of course, your prioritizing might get all wrong. But then the moment you realize that, start re-prioritizing and get on the track that seems right at that particular moment.

No life is perfect, my friend. And everybody's here to learn - about the world, about each other, about himself.

The bottom line is, you gotta enjoy the ride. You don't like it, hop off it, and move onto the next one. Simple. Life is too short to cry over the spilled milk, my friend.
Shayon said…
Okay, on a hind sight, I have a feeling that I ended up writing a comment that's larger than your post itself :-p
Unknown said…
James Kavanaugh (There Are Men Too Gentle to Live Among Wolves)

"I am one of the searchers. There are, I believe, millions of us. We are not unhappy, but neither are we really content. We continue to explore life, hoping to uncover its ultimate secret. We continue to explore ourselves, hoping to understand. We like to walk along the beach, we are drawn by the ocean, taken by its power, its unceasing motion, its mystery and unspeakable beauty. We like forests and mountains,, deserts and hidden rivers, and the lonely cities as well. Our sadness is as much a part of our lives as is our laughter. To share our sadness with one we love is perhaps as great a joy as we can know - unless it be to share our laughter.
We searchers are ambitious only for life itself, for everything beautiful it can provide. Most of all we love and want to be loved. We want to live in a relationship that will not impede our wandering, nor prevent our search, nor lock us in prison walls; that will take us for what little we have to give. We do not want to prove ourselves to another or compete for love.

For wanderers, dreamers, and lovers, for lonely men and women who dare to ask of life everything good and beautiful. It is for those who are too gentle to live among wolves."
Shayon said…
Lovely man! Absolutely loved this part "To share our sadness with one we love is perhaps as great a joy as we can know..." Very thoughtful of the author.
Anyway,nice post,man! I'm sure that you'll get a breather now since your exams are over.Abhinaya had recently put the pics of her visit to Niagara Falls.It looked so awesome.Why not visit that place this summer ?
Anyway,enjoy the FIFA World cup!
@ All,
Your comments are longer than my post! Ha ha ha ha, I put up my thoughts so that we could reflect and rumminate over them.
What a discussion this has turned out to be.

I personally never have regrets over what I do or the choices I make. There have been times where I've made unforgivible mistakes, but I chalk them up to life lessons. That being said, what Shayon says is true, we need to take a pit stop once in a while and collect our thoughts and re-evaluate our decisions and life path. That's what I hoped to achieve from this post.

@ Ankit,
Dude, what you say may be true in your case, but think about this. You'll retire in a 30 - 35 years. Given that you may live for another 20 - 30 after that, what do you do then? You need people in your life- if only to give you a different perspective.
Think about what I've written. Saying that you've lost friends- because they don't understand you, is you trying to convince yourself. Relationships are a give and take!

@ Rathz and Shayon,
Thanks for the words of wisdom and Shayon, I think you should copy your comment and paste it as a separate post (in reply to what I've written).
Rathz, is this James Kavanaugh a priest? If so, I think I've read a couple of his articles.

@ Mann,
What can I say? Go easy on the G-man- he takes things to heart.

raj alakshendra said…
i need some peaceful time to comment on this serious topic ...
Sakshi said…
There is a CONSPIRACY here, Why do you guys forget me? Even Dion din say anything about MY comment. Thanks. :(
@ Sakshi,
I'm so sorry, for not exclusively thanking you for your comments. I'm glad that our thought processes are resonant, but I must say it's sad that you're going through this rough patch!

Raj, we eagerly await your perspective on this matter. You are one person (the other being Shayon) who can give us the point of view from someone who has taken a radically different career path (as compared to most).

raj alakshendra said…
"apne sapno ke peeche bahgna kabhi stupid nahi hota"
n u hav to sacrifice for ur dreams...
so its all part of the journey ... enjoy this journey ... sometimes ul feel low or think hav i choosen the wrong path ???
its just that God checks ur commitment towards ur dreams..

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