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Food for thought

A peek into the Melting Pot that is my Mind
That compressor fan keeps droning on overhead. I’ve told the technicians a thousand times to come and check it out. Seems like the air conditioning too is off, yet again. My complaints fall on deaf ears (else, they’re just being nasty). Let’s just say that some things never change (India or America). Life doesn’t get any better in the US of A. I left India thinking I left the heat behind. But I should have known better, should’ve known that it would follow me here too (It’s like a carry-on that accompanies me where ever I go). At this point in life I’m afraid to go to the Poles (North or South). I get the feeling that the moment I step on too those snowy shores, the ice caps are going to melt right off under me (not that the people of my race or even me for that matter is doing anything in our power to stop it, or maybe even slow it down). I’ve got a computer (a pretty fast one) in front of me and that’s the way it stays for most of the day. I have become the very incarnation of a geek/nerd, spending the major part of my day in front of a screen and reading journal articles, analysing the data I collected from some real neat experiments (I do sound like a geek don’t I??- getting excited about doing experiments- well I’m just going to have to face the facts, I am a nerd- there I said it, what a relief, like a weight of my chest!!!).

I had a dream, and I know I’m half way to achieving it. But at times you need to just stop and assess everything (what you have done and what you want and would like to do and what you are actually capable of doing). Look at your life and your actions or lack thereof from a different perspective. Then you get to thinking “do the ends justify the means???”. I know what my final goal in life is, well it’s not exactly my final goal (my final goal would be to live happily ever after, ha ha ha ha ha, wishful thinking), it’s more like my main goal; well not exactly (that would be to be an ideal human being (from the very word ideal you get to thinking- this guy’s hallucinating (ACS in Wonderland)), a nice and compassionate person- well well, we’re a long way off from that one). Ok, let’s just call it my short term career goal (where I’d like to be in 6-7 years). So getting back to the point, does my end (end being a relative term) justify the means by which I get there??? I know that whether I like it or not, I need to follow a certain path in order to achieve that goal. It’s a path that is rocky and meandering and not pleasant for most of the way. Is this what we would call doing something we love. Now don’t get me wrong, I know and accept that the road to glory and fulfillment in a rough one, but when we talk about doing something that we like something that we love, shouldn’t the path be more clear and easy and if not so, shouldn’t the path at least feel more clear and easy?? This road of mine seems more like the Highway to Hell, my very own Road to Perdition (and this ain’t a Tom Hanks blockbuster- ok that movie didn’t really bust the charts, but…..). At times it feels that the task/path I have undertaken is not so much overwhelming as tedious and irritating. So then again, this conundrum of mine (and I’m sure I’m not alone in this) is like the proverbial killing to save a life. So I’ve been running around in circles, chasing my own tail so as to say with this question (well I’m not going to answer it- I will give my version of an answer and the rest is open to interpretation and debate- I do hope someone will reply with a post of their own). So after all this whining and bitching, all I got to say is bite the bullet, suck it up and move along. What an anticlimax!!!!! It just suddenly struck me, it’s so simple. If what we want in life requires a tedious path, then so be it. Else change your goals and ambitions. Can the answer be so simple yet so onerous and bitter?? I do feel the need for everyone to ruminate on what I’ve just written (don’t stop working, but ponder over these few sentences). I need to know if my thinking is flawed in some way, or a basic assumption that I made is wrong. And please don’t give me clichés that truth is a bitter pill to swallow, etc., etc.

I seem to be fighting a battle of mine. “Battle of the bulge” is how I lovingly call it. It seems like my total love for food and this sedentary job of mine has led to disastrous side-effects (pun intended- you need to see my belly to understand that one). I’ve got what is known in my family as tyres (Dunlop tyres to be precise). We also call them love handles (brings to mind a sentence from the Eagles’ song “when we’re hungry, love will keep us alive”- I think- at least my convoluted thinking tells me that that’s what they were talking about), but I seriously am at a loss for words to describe/explain where this all this love is coming from (for my conscious self knows for sure that I’m not getting any). My idealistic mind wants to do whatever it takes to purge myself of the excess baggage but my ever so human self just doesn’t get around to doing it. They say will power is important and I’ll have to agree on that but will power alone is not enough, I believe an incentive of sorts is most needed in times like these. Are we agreeable on this point or do we agree to disagree???

My writing may have seemed a bit disjointed (well it is disjointed no questions there) at times (and hence the title) and my title may seem a bit overreaching, but allow me a little poetic freedom and take all that I’ve said with a pinch of salt. The thing is I keep getting new ideas and my thoughts start running off on tangents to everything. I do hope you’ll enjoyed this mixture of thoughts though, this little kichdi of sorts. I bid you’ll farewell for now (or as the Russians in my lab would say Das vidanya- at least I think that’s how it’s spelt), i.e. until I feel like writing again.

Semper Fidelis

A Confused Soul (and mind)

Comments

raj alakshendra said…
bahut lamba article tha....
i tried my level best 2 understand everything.... 2 a nextent i was successful...
Great post man!!! Though a lil confusing at times Your post just gives words to what is really going through my mind these days... what the fuck are we doing really & how much is the difference between what we really want to do & what we are doing ??
Now Shayon may come up & say "c i m doin' so & so on my own " coz i dont want to get stuck wid a regular job which is nt quite true coz what you are currently doin' doesnt necessarily mean that you ll keep doin' the same thing for the rest of your life & it doesnt imply even that the individual aint taking steps to break-free..as they say right there's always a lull before the storm..
Anyways.coming to the main point of discussion,
I absoultely agree with you that it's quite confusing & I'd like to add it becomes all the more confusing when you love doing more than one things!!...
there are two kinds of ppl :
1> one who dont know what's the way out as they dont have any other field where they think they can grow & this is the category which gets it's ass slogged for the rest of their lives doing a 9-5 & believe it or not!! THEY DONT EVEN REALISE THIS BOREDOM !!Phew!!
2>People who want to do something else but are doing something coz this is ALSO what is of interest to them & anyday this is something they can fall-back on.. Now life gets really confusing for this category of people who want to make a difference in this world but dont know how & when.
Taking your eg.you r treading the MS path coz no doubt you have passion for Aeronuatics & maybe the kind of efforts which you are putting will get you there but what abt the other things which ya are really passionate abt ?? what abt them ??
As far as I know you these "other things" really give u the "real kick"..
Take for eg my case..why m i preparing for MBA ??God knows..maybe to frankly admitt it i want to have a so-called secure future. Baack In college i could have said i want to bcm a big-shot in the corporate world but then doin' a regular job i tell u sucks..goin' to the same offices day aft day,year aft years, decades after decades(at least till the time u reach 55-56)..our parents have done it..the entire society has done it & I wonder why do i have so much prob wid this normally accepted way of life..
God only knows the answer!!! or wait MAYBE i ve the answer ..wait for a next post..btw do let me know wat do ya think on the above thoughts
Phew!! That's it!!
Shayon said…
I know, it was high time I wrote something here, even if that meant just a comment.

@ Dino
Firstly, as a fellow blogger, awesome post. The words, the way the feelings were pored out...just impeccable.
As a friend, I guess what you are going through is just another phase. To some extent, I agree with what Mann wrote above. There are the kind of people who don't even realize that they are getting stereocast, that they are molding themselves into a monotony. And then there are the other who wish to get out but find themselves bound within a cage. And it really hurts if you are unfortunate enough to belong to the latter category. Talking about myself, yes, I do love what I am doing and it's true I am enjoying my professional life to the extreme. After all, how many have ever gotten a promotion even before getting their very first salary? But then again, my life outside office is almost horrible. Now you might freak out what with me being in Mumbai and yeah, me being myself...but then again, don't we all have our own share of issues? No, I ain't gonna elaborate on the same right now because, I agree with Saxi & Raj, I got to come up with a post on my current life, and that too, soon.

@ Mann
Sorry man, I did check out your rapped up video but unfortunately couldn't make out time to comment on that. It's not that I have stopped visiting The Wall Mag. I do keep myself abreast of the latest developments. I've just been keeping too busy to be proactive out here. And yeah, I am really really sorry for being a prude. By the way, I did love your video and everything, though I agree with Dino that you need to rake up a bit of variety in your movements. Although I must give it to you 'coz not many would be able to shoot for one whole song with just one kinda hand movement ;-)

@ all
Have a great life, guys! I am gonna bounce back soon, I promise! Just need a little time for myself to get acquainted with the career shift that I have embraced. Peace!!
raj alakshendra said…
bhai tum log comment likhte ho ki pura article....
Unknown said…
@all

you guys are making me to sit an extra hour at the internet cafe..

@dion

the 'disjointed-piece-of-writing' was interesting & isn't that the same kinda feelings that's making everyone (raj/mannu/shayon, i too might have written on the same lines) to write on "how to have an happily-ever-after life"..

we think of following our passions, that's surely a very tough ride though it'll certainly give us the satisfaction. you talked abt 'do the ends justify the means'..well think if ends=passion & means=profession..

constructive karma..
njoy..

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jamshedpur ki shardi

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Neela aasman so gaya...

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