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Once Fucked, Always Fucked!

I have no clue, with what face, shall I write about it. Well, all I'll say is, after all the hullabaloo and excitement, I just might fail to make the trip to Goa, with all you guys. Yes, at the end of the day, me, of all people. On hindsight, I realize, probably I was never dependable, probably I was never dependable because I always carried a fucked up fate up my sleeve. Probably I justify too much. Probably I don't! But yes, one thing I can swear my heart on, I love you guys!

Anyway, getting back to the topic. I ain't making the trip. Explanations? What the fuck are those? I just ain't gonna, the picture is as simple as that! As far as Saxi is concerned, I know she would refuse too. But I shall trust you guys, my comrades, my brethren, to coax her, cajole her and manaofy her for the trip. I know she was looking for the trip. Even if it's gonna be minus me, shouldn't dampen the spirits much. Hic! Sorry for getting a little sentimental. i had just called up Raj and told him that I'm busy in a meeting. The truth is, I'm currently all alone in office, savoring bourbon and hoping to hit "the pinnacle", if you know what I mean. Man! I was never like this. Or was I? Maybe my comrades would know me better.

No, I ain't going to self destruct. I know I have the guts to fight back. But not right now. Not right now when all I wanna do is disintegrate into the oblivion and flutter off into the wonderland. The space where you shall never have to blame on your fate, the place where you shall never have to depend on your fate. They say, man makes his own fate. Does he? Did I make my own fate? What is my fate? Was this originally what I was fated to be, to do? Or is it something I embraced to be my fate? Why is everyone cursing fate around, these days, anyway?

Why the hell have I gone insane? Where the hell have I thrown away my sanity? Is it this bourbon? Or is it that I derive a masochistic pleasure in self-pity and self-inflicted agony? Nah! How could someone bump oneself up just like that? I ain't crazy! Or am I? What scares me is that I do not who am I? Am I the little chubby kid who were born to 2 very proud parents, a few years ago? Or am I the bloated patch of orange that's getting drunk to death because he thinks he got cheated by his fate, ALL HIS LIFE? Or probably it is because every time he wants to stand back and fight, every time he feels he has enough courage and have gathered enough good will to move on, there always has to be a raised log or an upturned stone to stumble upon?

Frankly, I have no clue what I am writing. All I'm doing is typing away. I'm doing it, because I like writing! There I go... there I go lying my very own comrades! Who the hell am I kidding? I like writing? Since when? Last creative I ever wrote was probably a few pages of poems for some bitch who had....uhh, what the hell? How could I forget what my mother had always taught me, "Never Kiss and Tell". Well, have I, anyway, ever given a damn about what my parents taught me? Do I even have the right to call them my parents? Do I even deserve parents? Could I ever be a son to them... the ones who I wish to call my parents?

I do not know. Really, I am absolutely clueless. All I know is...


raj alakshendra said…
what the fuck was all this
Shayon said…
Firstly, I must say I'm greatly sorry for this stupid post. It was just that I wasn't in all that great a mood last night and somehow, without me even noticing, all my inner thoughts got spilled out here, on the blog.

Anyway, at first I thought I'd delete it off. But then I realized, unless you are pretty close to me, you'd hardly understand the essence of this post. And yes, On a hindsight, I realized I write pretty good when I am dead drunk, what say? ;-) Although it needs a lot of polishing.

Secondly, yes, I do not think I shall finally be able to make the trip to Goa. I know that I owe an explanation to all you guys but it is a little too personal to me. I really wish I could give you a glimpse, but I can't. All I can wish is a great tour for you all and, of course, I shall take care of all your arrangements from Mumbai and back. It's just that I won't be a part of the party.

I'm really really sorry for this st00pid post and for dampening the spirits.

@ Shayon
Dude I wont say any consoling words at the moment coz I dont know about the gravity of the situation or wat really has happened but i must say that dude you'll overcome this thing .THIS THING TOO SHALL PASS!!
You are made of some really different stuff ..To tell ya the truth ,earlier I didnt have a very positive image abt u as i didnt know much abt you but now I must say that now only we all (including Sam, Rathz n all) like u & personally I have developed admiration & respect for you man!! You have THOSE BALLS OF FIRE..( nt literally but metaphorically though the former may also be true -:)...& anyway wat the fuck man!!A straight from the heart & great article which I could very well relate to !! Man,get back on track soon .I know you will !!
Karma said…
Hi Rotlu !!
What was that man..the beer that night still giving kicks yeh!I thot i bid you adeau in quite sunny mood...never imagined to see this kinda post.BEWDA KAHIKA !!!
WTF man!I thot I was the one who wrote those obituary like posts.Comeon cheer up.I have no idea what has become of you in just a week but I I can just make something out,but no way it justifies this post.WHERE are UR "BALLS OF FIRE" ( too good Mannu... still rolling with laughter!).Well if u feel that soaking urself in Bourboun fecilitates ur writing acumen..I beg to differ.I wud better like a post like "How-did-i-manage-to-get-my-balls-of-fire"(Sorry cudnot help that..Mannu another High five for coining that term!) rather than "Oh-I-Have-No-Idea-what-I-am-writing".On top of that what got me pissed off that it got two ratings.Great!
Hey man I am commenting this not becoz I ought to bcoz I am a bit startled.Coming from u is a bit surprise.Gues what "Fate is like being raped,if u can't resist it learn to enjoy it".Trust ur dear ones to help it out thu this.Time is the best healer..or is it?Am I the one writing this post or maybesome one else?What I am writing?Is is bcoz I am a good writer or bcoz I don't like to call up anyone?Why I am making a comment so big,cud I have made into a separate post or maybe I cudnot??Why I am so confused ? Oh ! No I guess ur dementing effect is getting on me!
Ha Ha ! Chill out man!Life has it strange ways.

Oh!nearly forgot I am still counting on you that u will tag along with us to Goa.It u don't then find ur self a cover..coz I will be coming after you in Mumbai on 22nd !!!!
Sakshi said…
@ Shayon
Man- Did you really need mann n karma to tell you abt the 'balls on fire thingy'.

@ Karma n Mann
Thanks a ton guys... I swear, I couldn't have worded it any better than you guys have.

About the rating... Well... I am the one who spoiled it. I gave it one star coz I was so pissed with his 'fucked up' attitude.
The article is pretty good... now that I read it minus the anger n disgust...!!!
ABC said…
You will get over this mate..

and its still not can still join us at the last moment..


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